I’m my own worst enemy.
I am my strongest barrier.
Not only am I too hard on myself, not only do I push myself to get everything done on the little to do lists of life, but when I don’t, I put myself under more pressure. I guilt myself.
And on top of all that, I’m lazy, so I let the days pass without doing any of the things I tell myself I’m supposed to, and then look back on the week and wonder where it went. I tell myself it’s ok, I’m on stress leave, I’m supposed to relax, do less, not worry about the things to do.
And that’s true, to some extent, but sitting like a bump on a log all day every day probably isn’t very conducive to a positive outlook on life, either.
I’m feeling a bit listless and adrift today.
Perhaps it’s because I had a busy weekend, full of ups and downs, and now I’m left to that blissful silence and alone time I’m always after, yet it seems just a bit more alone and just a bit less blissful than usual.
The snow is falling and blowing in great drifts and it’s cold and beautiful outside. My kind of weather. I have the day to myself to do as I wish, to write, to work through that to do list, to enjoy, to seek inspiration.
It should be, could be, the perfect day.
But I have this strange sensation that, at just after 8am, I stand on the cusp. I can allow this day to be all it could be – one of those days at the end of which I will flop down in a satisfied sigh of just the right amount of tiredness and say, “I got a lot done, what a great day!” – or I can sit here and let the minutes and the hours unroll until 4pm when I will suddenly jump up, realize the breakfast dishes are still in the sink and wonder where the time went. Again.
On the listless days, I can’t even pretend I was doing some serious, inspired writing and that that was the reason for my otherwise few achievements.
I can feel the words not coming. It’s not really writer’s block, but something bigger. Maybe life block? As though I am blocking myself from living. But why? Is it because it’s just easier to sit here alone? And easier than what? Than doing something or than interacting with people?
If I think about it, there really isn’t a good reason. I like interacting with people, though I’m just as happy to sit here by myself. But I wouldn’t say I’m holding myself back from interacting. So I’m not sure what it is. Maybe it’s just that I really am that lazy. Maybe it’s nothing more than wanting to sit on my ass all day.
And if it’s that, then I better get going. If it’s just laziness, I need to get out. Now. And do something.
Otherwise, this week will slip by and I will have nothing to show for it.