I’m Sorry I Was Busy

Daily Prompt: Tell us about a time when you should have helped someone… but didn’t.

I had hoped to use this prompt to weave a story. I began several, in fact, one or two of which I may continue later. But there was one true story from my life that kept rising to the surface of my consciousness, wanting to be told. And so here it is, the clearest example I have of a time I should have helped someone but chose not to.

I was 14, I think, when my grandfather died. My favourite person in the world. My champion. We were very close as he retired about the time that I was born and we consequently spent a lot of quality time together. He gamely played along with whatever my imagination cooked up: friends, pets, stories of intricate make-believe. And he spoiled me outrageously; his were always the best presents, plucked from beyond my wildest dreams.

We laughed together all the time. His blue eyes sparkled and his smile and his hugs made everything right in the world.

When I was older and struggling with the tween and then early teen years, we often spoke on the phone. He was a sympathetic listener, encouraging and supportive, though he would also tell me when he thought I had done wrong. A perfect recipe for cultivating respect and devotion.

I remember the day we found out that he was ill. I was heartbroken, not least because I had for years gone to bed each night silently hoping and wishing that my family would all live forever, terrified that they may not.

But, as hard as it is for me to admit, there was a day I was not there for him. I was too busy.

Yes, I was a kid and kids are selfish and self-absorbed. And scared of the deep unfathomable aspects of life, such as illness and death. But I am not willing to accept that as an excuse.

I remember we were talking on the phone that morning and he asked me if I would be coming out with my mother to visit later. He wanted to see me. I hesitated, then told him I was supposed to be going to see a friend. I recall apologizing and he said not to worry, that he knew I had things to do, that I had to live my own life. It was easy to grab at that forgiveness to quench my guilt.

Easy at the time, maybe, but I have never really fogiven myself for denying him the simplest, most basic help that he could have asked of me.

Sure I had plans, and perhaps I lacked the maturity to put off what my selfish 14-year-old heart wanted to do. But it wasn’t just about being too busy. I was scared. Scared to see him ill, to see him not as I remembered him.

And so, I went to the park with a friend, or over to their house, or whatever it was I was so busy doing. Ironically, I don’t remember what I actually did in the end. But I didn’t go and see my grandfather.

And now I wish I had.

I know, many would pat me on the back and say encouraging, consoling things, telling me not to worry, not to torture myself with guilt, assuring me that he would, and did understand, that he wouldn’t want me to feel bad all these years later. I would say that if a friend came to me with the same confession.

But, the fact remains that I am sorry that I was too busy that day and that I denied him his one request – to spend time with his beloved granddaughter.

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6 thoughts on “I’m Sorry I Was Busy”

Randee says:

September 16, 2013 at 01:19

Oh, this makes me so sad. Not that you didn’t go see him, that you remember the day and are troubled by it and wrote about it. Please forgive yourself.

- Silverleaf says:
  
  September 16, 2013 at 02:51
  
  That’s very kind of you. Thank you. Perhaps this is like an atheist’s confessional and I may ultimately feel absolved in some way.
  
Anonymous says:

September 16, 2013 at 01:20

I imagine your grandfather would wish you not to feel guilty because I’m sure he understood that you and others in his family felt that same fear. He may also have known that he and only he must deal with his illness on his own. But one thing that you gave him was an eternity of warm, loving memories.

- Silverleaf says:
  
  September 16, 2013 at 02:51
  
  That’s beautiful. Thank you.
  
Daily Prompt: Sorry I’m Busy | Chronicles of an Anglo Swiss says:

September 16, 2013 at 06:05

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