Time carries me along in its wake, at times pushing me on ahead, at times holding me high – too high – as I skim atop the crest, always fast, always breathless. These waves are big and they keep me moving me so that I barely remember to look around, to notice my surroundings. Birthdays, holidays, game days, they all pass in a blur as I try to keep up.
I remember my months off work as though they were part of another life. I haven’t forgotten what it was like to be at home, simply writing and thinking and breathing. For months, all I was able to manage was getting up, getting my son off to school, making it through the day. I was piecing myself together back then, working hard to build myself back up, to make myself whole.
And I did. I did make myself whole. I did find strength. I did learn a lot about how far I can bend before I break.
I have taken that experience into the present, into this life. I may not always apply the lessons I learned, but I am conscious of what I am doing, aware when I am compromising my boundaries, my health, my family, my sanity.
So far, I have been able to bow out before everything goes too far, though there are times that I have cut it fine.
I have thrown myself into my work, I’ve been able to enjoy it, to really think deeply and creatively. I no longer feel that it is at odds with my morals and values, which is a significant improvement. And I return home each day certain that I have worked my hardest and done my best. Sometimes I’m late, and ragged, but I haven’t missed any meals with my family and I have generally managed to put work aside to focus on the people sitting across the table from me.
And, so far, I’ve managed to keep writing. Mostly. There were a few months that I was really overwhelmed, but I’ve managed to pull myself back, to carve out that time and brain space. At my busiest, in November, I somehow managed to write every day. It was extremely satisfying to reach the end of that month and note that achievement.
So here I am, on the cusp of a new year. I haven’t always remembered the goals I set for 2015 but I am happy, and satisfied, with what I made of the year – my 40th year.
And for 2016? I will continue to work on the never-ending project that is life.
I will continue to strive to be better, stronger, to be me.
I will continue to speak my truth.
I will continue to work on living with my anxieties and not being ruled by them.
I will continue to find comfort in the people and the things I enjoy.
I will continue to write.
I will continue to remind myself that life – this life, my life – is good. Not perfect, not easy, but good.
I will continue.
Happy New Year, everyone. May 2016 bring you happiness, health and a sense of satisfaction.