On the Edge of Yoga

I found myself lying in savasana, well actually supported fish, at the end of my favourite yin/yang class – Monday mornings 9:30-11 – almost completely relaxed. I was surprisingly able to be present today. I love the classes in which the messages from the instructor all seem resonate with my own mental state (read: anguish). This morning, the instructor said something about remembering why you came to this particular class on this particular day, and to hold onto that throughout the practice. Those words worked for me.

Why did I go to this particular class on this particular day? Because I have felt very anxious and panicky lately. I had managed a few weeks ago to calm things down, but lately all the panic has returned. The only thing I think I am doing differently is not making it to as many yoga classes (and responding to more Daily Prompts…but surely that can’t be having a negative effect, can it? I may be addicted…). Last week, for example, I only made it to the Monday morning class. Yin/yang has always been my favourite – just enough yang to grab my attention from whatever negative thing it is focusing on, just enough yin to breathe deeply and pause for a while.

Today, my mind certainly did wander, but I remembered the instructor’s message and kept thinking, “I am only here for this hour and a half, then I will be back out there. I want to enjoy this as much as possible and soak up the calm.” And this helped to bring me back to where I was.

At the end of class, as I lay there in supported fish, I could feel every body part relaxing as the instructor walked us up visually from our toes to the crowns of our heads. And then, I had the strangest sensation. I felt like a bearskin rug, splayed flat and heavy and lifeless across the supporting bolster. Physically, I had managed to relax completely. But I could feel the alertness of my brain – it was as if it was a little alien trapped inside the head of the bearskin rug! It was awake and alive and having all kinds of thoughts. No one thought to tell it to relax. I did my best to think “I am calm,” “I am present,” but I was hyper-aware of everything going on in that room.

I can usually zone out in savasana, I may have even fallen asleep before, but not today. I was very aware of everything: someone was snoring, the air conditioner came on, then when I was used to its white noise, went off, there were sounds of cars and trucks from the street.

I still managed to leave yoga feeling calmer and slightly trance-like…as if the bear rug had come to life…I definitely did benefit from having been there, and been present. That is why I go to yoga after all, and why I think I will have to make an effort to go more often than a measly once a week.

After yoga, I went and sat under the largest, gnarliest willow tree I could find. I absorbed the sun and the warmth and the breeze. It felt as though the tree was my protective canopy, hanging over me with its strength and the wisdom of at least 200 years. It was knobbly and its bark was so rough that it looked like an old wizened face – it was majestic! I thought of all the creatures that rely on it as it stands there, steadfastly, through all kinds of weather and changes. Oh to be like that tree!

Beyond yoga, spending time in nature, and writing, I know that I need to try to do fewer things in the day so that I don’t put myself into a situation in which I am madly trying to rush around, doing more things than I possibly can in my waking hours. And to achieve that, I need to stop feeling like everyone around me is expecting me to do things, and blaming me if they don’t get done. I need to stop trying not to worry about what they think, and just disregard it all completely. Because 9 times out of 10 the pressure is my imagination, and on the rare occasion when they do actually have expectations I can’t meet, those are their expectations and not mine.

Oh, so easy to say, so hard to put into practice.

I guess that’s why I’m still on the edge!

Here’s how others experience the edge:

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/08/19/daily-prompt-activity/

18 thoughts on “On the Edge of Yoga”

That’s great – and I love the bit about the bearskin rug. It seems to me that this could be very significant, as if you have collected a protector, a guardian, a totemic animal to give you strength in times of anxiety. I don’t know because I do not do Yoga, and my area of study/practice lies within the Western Mystery Tradition. But that was what came to mind when I read your excellent piece. Ali x

Silverleaf says:

August 19, 2013 at 20:17

That is a lovely thought, Ali. It gave me shivers. I was feeling it was one of the worst posts yet, so thank you for the compliment and the idea about a totemic animal. I also went back and added a paragraph about a willow tree.

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- alienorajt says:
  
  August 19, 2013 at 20:21
  
  I think your instinct is working brilliantly. Willow tree and bear. I’ll see what I can find out about symbolism for them both. I feel there is something to be discovered here. x
  
  Reply
  - Silverleaf says:
    
    August 19, 2013 at 20:31
    
    You are so lovely! That would be really wonderful. I can hardly wait to see what you find. Thank you x

I went to yoga tonight for the first time in ages. I needed it, and afterwards I scorned myself for not going regularly as it. One of my friends does a lot of shamanic practices, and her spirit guide is a bear 🙂

Silverleaf says:

August 19, 2013 at 20:35

I definitely think something in my subconscious is trying to tell me something. Or the universe. Keep going to yoga 🙂

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Spot on with the willow: they possess a sacred and protective character, and are associated with miraculous births, though the latter attribute could be taken symbolically. The bear is associated with warriors. King Arthur’s name means ‘bear’ – which is doubly fitting because bears hibernate from Winter to Spring – and, of course, Arthur, also known as The Once and Future King, and the Sleeping Lord, is rumoured to be ‘sleeping’ with his knights until such time as the land needs them once more. What a brilliant totem animal to have chosen. Wow! Hope this helps. Ali x

Silverleaf says:

August 19, 2013 at 23:42

Wow – that was impressively quick. Thank you!
So I guess I should spend more time with the willows. Interesting that I am always drawn to them and, in fact, we have just bought a tiny one to go in our tiny back yard.
Also interesting about the bear. Especially as we had been doing warrior poses in yoga. Perhaps in the warrior there is calm, or I need to pull on the strength of the warrior, or I was seeing myself as a sleeping warrior who needs to awake from my current state of mind…I could go on. Perhaps in a future post!

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Thank you, lovely of you to say!

dorothychiotti says:

August 20, 2013 at 12:29

Wow, that’s interesting. Adrenal fatigue is what I’ve been dealing with the past couple of years, thus the naturopath and hormone therapist. You are too young for issues of menopause which ramps up the anxiety factor, especially with adrenal fatigue present. (It’s been a fun couple of years … 😦 …) Thankfully I seem to be coming out the other end of the AF but I’m still very mindful of how I divide my time and the amount of stress I take on. … The main message of AF for me has been to slow down, be mindful and take care of my needs first. We live at such a manic pace in our society this can be a tough thing to do. We want to be everywhere, do everything, help everyone all at our own expense. (At least that was my experience.) Like I’ve said, the worst of AF seems to be behind me now. I feel stronger; more robust. Still, I take nothing for granted. It’s been quite a journey and a reprogramming of a way of being and, frankly, I’m much happier now. (Never mind the awful purging year I had last year.) … I’m happy to chat about AF any time. So few people know or understand it even though it runs rampant. (Have you read Dr. James Wilson’s “Adrenal Fatigue: A 21st Century Stress Syndrome?” He has an excellent website as well.) … It’s been good to see I’m not alone. The journey to wellness continues. … Be well, Dorothy 🙂

Reply
- Silverleaf says:
  
  August 20, 2013 at 12:56
  
  Dorothy, thank you for sharing this with me. I seem to face the world the way describe and so, yes, reprogramming my approach to my expectations and to others’ expectations is what I am working on. I don’t seem to be getting very far yet but it’s only been 9 weeks an I recognize this is a long, slow journey. So great to be able to connect with someone else who is a bit on the other side and knows what I’m talking about. Thank you so much!
  
  Reply
  - dorothychiotti says:
    
    August 20, 2013 at 13:55
    
    You are most welcome. … I neglected to mention that my AF has been further complicated by the effects of early childhood PTSD which were never addressed. As a result, I’ve also been in therapy which has helped to release much of the emotional dis-stress behind the adrenal fatigue. It has been a journey, that’s for sure. … So, if I may, let me extend a few kind words of advice. … Listen to your body. Learn to do nothing beautifully. … Nourish your soul. Laugh (I am a Modern Family addict because it made me laugh at a time when I really needed it.) … Calm the mind. Meditation; beautiful music; write. (I love to sit beside my bubble rock in the garden in the summer and read.) … Be. … And be grateful for this awareness. Most people will never get such an opportunity. It’s a wonderful time to heal. 🙂 … Have a great day!
  - Silverleaf says:
    
    August 20, 2013 at 14:42
    
    That is so inspiring I may just put it up on my screen. All things I try to do but somehow I end up rushing around doing other things instead. Except today – I made a conscious decision to read my book over breakfast and then did some writing while looking out over my backyard. Perfect morning!

[…] On the Edge of Yoga (silverleafjournal.wordpress.com) […]

Hormone changes also ramp up panic and anxiety as we get older. I have personal experience of this. I don’t know how old you are but it’s something to consider. I’ve definitely had to cut back on activities and am working with a naturopath and hormone therapist to level things out. I do yoga at home and try to focus on my breath occasionally. It’s amazing how often I catch myself not breathing 😉 … Namaste …

Silverleaf says:

August 20, 2013 at 11:34

That’s interesting, thank you for the information. I’m 38. I’m working with a naturopath on adrenal fatigue but you’re right, there could always be more. Sometimes I feel there must be something affecting the panic, besides my usual outlook on life – and forgetting to breathe! Namaste.

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